Report 2. Load-lugging skills

The Ford C-MAX has been looking after its nomadic keeper this month. Moving flats meant off-loading various boxes of accumulated ’stuff’ into the garages of beloved friends and family members across the UK.

First stop was chez Quirk Snr in the Lake District where opulent blue skies replaced London’s smoggy effort which, quite often, can only be described as the colour of a soiled shirt collar. Sadly no sooner had I dumped my contents than I was forced to head back down the M6 and M1 with another van load of stuff for two of my sisters.

When you fold the rear seats down (annoyingly, they don’t fold completely flat) the Ford C-MAX loading area expands from 666-litres to a pretty substantial 1723-litres. Litres mean nothing to me either, so as the photo demonstrates, the C-MAX can hold a mattress with accompanying wooden bed frame, Breville machine, Delonghi toaster, chopping board, carpet and wooden penguin ornament thingy with space to spare.

Unfortunately, the 113bhp 1.6 TDCi is proving less versatile. Yep, it emits just 119g/km of CO2 and has a claimed average fuel consumption figure of 61.4mpg, but I’m now more than 3,000 miles in and haven’t seen anything higher than 43mpg. On paper, the 0-62mph sprint time can also be achieved in 11.3 seconds, but that’s assuming Tony McCoy’s at the wheel. On most occasions, with people or stuff in the car, the engine can get bogged down if you don’t offer a bootful of revs. Starting to think I may have chosen the wrong diesel engine.

Next month, I’m going to focus on giving this C-MAX a bit more exterior flair. I’ve already lined up a conversation with vinyl wrap specialists Motor Mode UK to see what is achievable. You may think a matt khaki C-MAX with gloss black (or maybe brown?) roof should be condemned to the dustbin of bad ideas, but I want to hear it from the experts first. I think it could look pretty awesome. Well, certainly better than chrome…

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Report 1. Taking it to the C-MAX

Get me out of Geneva. This country’s famous neutrality may have made it a beacon for watch enthusiasts, Nazi-bankers and semi-retired prostitutes, but there’s no wildness, chaos or funkiness here. Here lies a pretty yet pretty characterless place, the most remarkable fact I’ve discovered this time round being it’s illegal to flush your toilet after 10PM. I think I’ll continue to pay my taxes and live the civic life in England, thanks.

Ford C-MAX in Les Houches

Post Geneva Motor Show duties is the first time I’ve been properly acquainted with my new Ford C-MAX long-termer. The wheels in question are a 1.6-litre TDCi diesel Titanium with barely 800-miles on the odo after Alex’s trip out here.  But before we head out with friends to the cloudless blue skies of Les Montagnes, we stop off at the Hotel du Parc des Eaux Vives to snap a convoy of Jaguar E-Types celebrating 50-years of what Charlie Sheen calls ‘winning.’

Here's the C-MAX cabin I'm going to be getting incredibly familiar with

Fifty years ago, the E-Type made its debut at the Geneva Motor Show and stole all the headlines. Part of the press ceremony took place in these very grand settings and with Jaguar test god Norman Dewis in tow, there was a sense of occasion in us being there second time round. But also a bit weird. You see, if you weren’t a driver or a passenger in one of those fifty E-Types, you didn’t really feel accepted, even as a spectator. When the smiles of mutual congratulation continued to beam from silver service table to table inside, I didn’t hang around for fear of being asked to serve the apéritifs. Just chance to get my own souvenir of the event with my less snooty road trip brother the Ford C-MAX.

Sadly, this photo never made the official Jaguar E-Type 50th Anniversary press release

I accept the C-MAX doesn’t look appreciably different from the rest of the Ford range, and that silver hue makes it look like some sort of hero to the bland. But this was never going to be a car that would blow me away with its size, style or grandeur. This was a slow burn car that would (hopefully) always impress by what it did. And at the moment, it’s transporting four large blokes, their luggage and snowboards in unbelievable levels of comfort and refinement for this price point.

Strong

I’ll leave the 1.6-litre oil burner for another report as at 1200-miles, we’re still at the bedding-in stage. So let’s start and end my first long termer report with an MOTD stylee two good, two bad.

Two good:

1. How it drives -- Amazing body control, nicely weighted EPAS steering and good damping. I reckon this could keep up with a Ford Focus on the twisty stuff, it’s that good.

2. The heated front and rear windscreens -- Even when I’m struggling to take in bracing lungfuls of icy air, the heated front and rear windscreens on the C-MAX manage to thaw a -4 degree frost in minutes. The diesel engine clatter returns to a distant hum just moments after pushing the starter button, too.

Two bad:

1. Hill-start assist feels odd. It’s a subtle intervention on small gradients but it feels jerky and uncomfortable on steeper inclines. I think I’d prefer to master my clutch control.

2. Don’t have a hangover and then drive the C-MAX in the evening. Honestly, those LED roof lights give it bus station bright luminescence on entry and yet weirdly, you could still do with a flashlight in the boot. Some reappropriation of LEDs wouldn’t go a miss.

À bientôt!

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No sooner had the long-term Ford C-MAX arrived on my doorstep than it was tagged with a GB sticker, Swiss motorway vignette and spotted driving away again. Commandeered by fellow podcaster Alex Goy, the next time I would see ‘my’ car would be outside the Geneva Motor Show.

The video of Alex’s road trip is below where already, the car’s brilliance begins to manifest. The car I’ve specced is a 1.6 Duratorq in Titanium trim, which includes plenty of standard toys including automatic headlamps, hill-start assist, Sony DAB radio, heated front windscreen and Bluetooth. Boom.

Podisode 'mouth' Alex Goy and the Ford C-MAX

On meeting Alex in Geneva, it’s clear that a twelve-hour stint behind the wheel of any car should have been a bigger ordeal than this. During his solitude, he had amassed just two faults: first was the steering wheel being on the wrong side of the cabin for paying toll charges. Sounds lame, but Alex has a dodgy back and arching over passenger seats to grab payage tickets isn’t one of his chiropractor’s daily recommended exercises.

Secondly, Alex’s TomTom sat nav had not been updated to accommodate a couple of new motorways in France.  Now Alex isn’t the sort of person who beats on recalcitrant sat navs, but on this occasion, I am assured he wanted to put his fist through the shitty little screen. Not speccing the Ford C-MAX with integrated sat nav may yet prove to be an oversight I end up regretting.

Once the buzzing carnival of the Geneva Motor Show is out of the way, it will be my first opportunity to get some miles under my belt. Cannot wait.

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My dad wants his garage back. Serves me right, really. He’s been using these very pages to follow the regular updates on the health of my beloved Jaguar XJ6. Now, with light at the end of the tunnel, he hasn’t wasted any time in asking me to work similar magic on the Mini Paul Smith sat idle at his home. Starting this bank holiday weekend.

The Mini Paul Smith -- no more cars in the closet, this and the Jag are really it - is the car that committed me to a long-term relationship with my bank manager. Unfortunately, it’s been a slightly longer ‘work in progress’ thanks to a family of resident rats and their voracious appetite for wiring loom, but I hope to have it back on the road this summer.

On the more positive side, parts are cheap and the front subframe will never need replacing because of the Mini’s built-in rustproofing system -- that’s oil leaks to all you non converts. The resurrection starts now!

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So, after a full can of Easy Start and a hammer, the Jag or ‘Trouble’ as it has now affectionately become known, is alive and well with the world!

I picked it up from THE JAG WORKSHOP in Shepherd’s Bush this morning as it has just passed its MOT with erm… colours. OK, so it needed a new washer pump and the handbrake needed fixing, but a pass is a pass. Cars aren’t designed to sit in very generous friend’s underground car spaces for six months  (Jonny, you will forever be a legend). Moving parts seize, greasy parts dry up and all of this has the potential to cause you a world of financial and emotional pain.

Coming out of retirement: THE JAG WORKSHOP gets my XJ6 through the MOT

Fortunately, ‘Trouble’ has been anything but, to be honest. Granted there is a (growing) list of things I will have to do over the coming months to ensure long-term health and happiness, but my car is now road legal. And like all old cars, it’s only going to drive better and rev sweeter the more I use it. Let the good times roll.

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