Here then, is the bike I dream of buying. Or might yet buy and to hell with the bank manager. [pending test ride]

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Sounds obvious, but motoring cliches are not worthy in any piece of elegant writing, even if they are spelt correctly. You’d hope that quality media wouldn’t make mistakes such as these, but alas, they do. Regularly. And I’m including myself in the finger-pointing here.

Back in the days of Sky Motoring, we introduced a cliche box that kind of worked like a swear box, only it proved more expensive. This foundation helped us kick out any extraneous prose that offered no real colour, fulfilment or improved knowledge about the car or feature in question and stopped us sounding like idiots. ‘Winding ribbon of tarmac?’ That’ll be £1, please. ‘It sounds like thunder.’ Really? What does thunder sound like? Shit off, £2 in the jar now.

Fortunately, you too can help call time on the motoring cliche and revolt, and it doesn’t mean having to stage a sit in around the kalamata olives aisle of Fortnum and Mason. Simply watch a fine selection of said vague modifiers from our beloved industry’s more trusted motoring writers and make every effort to red pen any further offerings that creep into your copy. Hopefully we can start feeling confident about using more simple, uncluttered language and concentrate on making our experiences feel more, you know, real.

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The Citroën DS3 Racing is very loud and very orange. It’s also very limited – just 200 units are coming to the UK – which could go some way to asserting your significance in the world and help ascribe you in the book of life from which the nameless masses are excluded. Or something.

The stock Citroën DS3 has a chic, city swagger that offers up some very strong, identifiable graphical elements, most noticeably that shark fin B-pillar. In a category bursting with nostalgic references, it’s refreshing to see that retro is not a road Citroën’s designers want to head down.

Unfortunately, the DS3 Racing smothers this metropolitan panache with a ham-fisted scattering of faux-military stickers and carbon fibre to create a £23,000 Jaffa Cake. Admittedly, it’s an incredibly entertaining Jaffa Cake but I do feel a little uncomfortable embracing this new hypertrophic dynamism. Citroëns work better when they’re quirky and sexy. This isn’t.

The 207bhp version of the turbocharged 1.6-litre engine that’s in the brilliant DS3 150THP (my pick of the range) suffers from a bit more axle tramp on quick getaways, despite the lowered ride height and wider track. It’s more to do with the power delivery, surging in with an almighty thump a la old skool Astra VXR, making the throttle quite difficult to modulate. The controls are nice and light though, just like the standard car.

Weirdly, what I appreciate more about the DS3 Racing and even the regular DS3 is, if I may be more prosaic, the build quality. I used to think impermanence was an accepted part of owning a French car, but the Citroën DS3 is proving me wrong. This is the only press car Citroën UK has, and given that it’s got 6,000 miles on the odometer courtesy of the Gas Station Podisode, Evo, Auto Express and Autocar to name but a few titles, I would have at least expected a hint of rattle, a squeek, maybe even a gearbox falling off? But, blow me down, there is nothing to report.

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Report 1. Taking it to the C-MAX

Get me out of Geneva. This country’s famous neutrality may have made it a beacon for watch enthusiasts, Nazi-bankers and semi-retired prostitutes, but there’s no wildness, chaos or funkiness here. Here lies a pretty yet pretty characterless place, the most remarkable fact I’ve discovered this time round being it’s illegal to flush your toilet after 10PM. I think I’ll continue to pay my taxes and live the civic life in England, thanks.

Ford C-MAX in Les Houches

Post Geneva Motor Show duties is the first time I’ve been properly acquainted with my new Ford C-MAX long-termer. The wheels in question are a 1.6-litre TDCi diesel Titanium with barely 800-miles on the odo after Alex’s trip out here.  But before we head out with friends to the cloudless blue skies of Les Montagnes, we stop off at the Hotel du Parc des Eaux Vives to snap a convoy of Jaguar E-Types celebrating 50-years of what Charlie Sheen calls ‘winning.’

Here's the C-MAX cabin I'm going to be getting incredibly familiar with

Fifty years ago, the E-Type made its debut at the Geneva Motor Show and stole all the headlines. Part of the press ceremony took place in these very grand settings and with Jaguar test god Norman Dewis in tow, there was a sense of occasion in us being there second time round. But also a bit weird. You see, if you weren’t a driver or a passenger in one of those fifty E-Types, you didn’t really feel accepted, even as a spectator. When the smiles of mutual congratulation continued to beam from silver service table to table inside, I didn’t hang around for fear of being asked to serve the apéritifs. Just chance to get my own souvenir of the event with my less snooty road trip brother the Ford C-MAX.

Sadly, this photo never made the official Jaguar E-Type 50th Anniversary press release

I accept the C-MAX doesn’t look appreciably different from the rest of the Ford range, and that silver hue makes it look like some sort of hero to the bland. But this was never going to be a car that would blow me away with its size, style or grandeur. This was a slow burn car that would (hopefully) always impress by what it did. And at the moment, it’s transporting four large blokes, their luggage and snowboards in unbelievable levels of comfort and refinement for this price point.

Strong

I’ll leave the 1.6-litre oil burner for another report as at 1200-miles, we’re still at the bedding-in stage. So let’s start and end my first long termer report with an MOTD stylee two good, two bad.

Two good:

1. How it drives -- Amazing body control, nicely weighted EPAS steering and good damping. I reckon this could keep up with a Ford Focus on the twisty stuff, it’s that good.

2. The heated front and rear windscreens -- Even when I’m struggling to take in bracing lungfuls of icy air, the heated front and rear windscreens on the C-MAX manage to thaw a -4 degree frost in minutes. The diesel engine clatter returns to a distant hum just moments after pushing the starter button, too.

Two bad:

1. Hill-start assist feels odd. It’s a subtle intervention on small gradients but it feels jerky and uncomfortable on steeper inclines. I think I’d prefer to master my clutch control.

2. Don’t have a hangover and then drive the C-MAX in the evening. Honestly, those LED roof lights give it bus station bright luminescence on entry and yet weirdly, you could still do with a flashlight in the boot. Some reappropriation of LEDs wouldn’t go a miss.

À bientôt!

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Seems like the word ‘premium’ is invoked in every conversation I’m having with carmakers at the moment. The latest occurrence came at a Hyundai i40 Tourer preview event at the carmaker’s European R&D headquarters in Russelheim, Germany.

The new Hyundai slogan is 'New Thinking, New Possibilities'

Hyundai was trying to embody and sell us – if only over the course of an afternoon – its revised brand slogan ‘New Thinking, New Possibilities’ as well as a new kind of premium.

I heard Hyundai UK’s managing director Tony Whitehorn mentioning the phrase ‘modern premium’ several times throughout lunch. He likened the idea to brands such as Apple or Starbucks, both of whose services I have never actually heard being described as premium. “Wow,” I said, sounding like nothing.

Every Hyundai interior gets blue ambient lighting

Tony is a very passionate exponent of Hyundai, and deservedly so.  The company’s pace of improvement is impressive – in house, they describe it as ‘moving at Hyundai speed.’ UK sales nudged 62,000 units last year and a recent Interbrand study rated the company 65th in the top 100 global brands (up from 69th last year and only a few spaces below Audi). However, I feel the decision from on top to push the ‘P’ word could be mis-guided.

Modern premium may be a more accessible take on the traditional premium setters like Audi, but (i) it’s as descriptively apt as vanilla and (ii) I doubt anybody is going to realise the distinction. It is therefore pointless, rubbish or some corporeal cousin, thereof.

Skoda Superb Estate Greenline II features in The Gas Station Podisode

So is there a successful carmaker out there that isn’t obsessed with chasing premium? Well, yes, in a word. Like Hyundai, Skoda has also hit 3 per cent market share in the UK for its combination of handsome, austerity resistant designs and its honesty about delivering good, quality products. It too has ambitions of growth, wanting to double production to 1.5m units by 2018, but it doesn’t shout about premium because it isn’t.

- Listen to my Skoda Greenline II musings on The Gas Station Podisode

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Had the pleasure of riding shotgun with Team Peugeot Total racing driver Anthony Davidson, last month. As well as offering an exclusive pre-season interview, Anthony was giving me a (very quick) tour around the Silverstone Stowe Circuit in two brand new examples of the Peugeot RCZ with Feline Styling Pack. I’m talking delivery miles new, so apologies in advance to anybody who inherits these two vehicles…

Myself (left) alongside motorsport man totem Anthony Davidson

Granted, a 200 THP petrol and 163 GT diesel may not exactly be in the same time zone as his 908 ILMC race car, but you wouldn’t know it when Anthony was behind the wheel. His eyes were implacable. Racing drivers train hard like every other athlete, but there is definitely an inherent ability that’s been recognised at every stage of Anthony’s career, allowing him to climb to the very top ranks of motorsport.

My aptitudes and accomplishments on the track are more suspect. Well actually, they don’t exist, but I could still tell that the Peugeot RCZ 200 THP petrol drove with more fluency and better bump absorption and suited the driving style of Anthony. The diesel may not have been that far off the pace but you could feel the weight transfer under heavy braking and through the corners. If you’re an enthusiast, I think you’d be better off sacrificing the emissions and fuel economy and go for the livelier petrol.

Make sure you follow Anthony on Twitter and support him during the ILMC season with Team Peugeot Total. The gang dominated the series last year, but in an unprecedented turn, the cars were dogged by mechanical failure at Le Mans. Davidson wants to put that right this year. First up though, is the Sebring 12Hours next weekend!

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There is always a buoyant and tentative excitement with the opening of every Geneva Motor Show. It may not be the biggest event on the automotive calendar, but it’s the one that always manages to surprise. For me, the star of 2011 was the Alfa Romeo 4C, a very compact but formidable mid-engined, two-seater sports car that packed as much presence as the new Ferrari FF and Lamborghini Aventador.

Alfa Romeo 4C will go on sale in 2012 - where do we sign?

This is what it must have felt like when the Alfa Romeo Montreal was first presented at Expo’67. Complete strangers were talking to one another, almost giddy at the prospect of this being an Alfa we could actually buy in less than two years for around £35k.

The looks may hook you in, but the stats are more exciting: the Alfa Romeo 4C will use a turbocharged 1.7-litre engine that’s in the Giulietta hatchback, but it’s been re-tuned to develop 232bhp. This in a package that Alfa is determined to keep under 850kg -- that’s 100kg lighter than a Lotus Elise.

Admittedly, Alfa hasn’t had much recent success with building sports cars. The Brera coupé and 8C supercar are both achingly pretty things, but dynamically speaking, they’re pallid affairs. Everybody has their fingers crossed for this one.

In other news, the Ford B-MAX managed to make a mini-MPV both stylish and desirable (above), the Nissan EsFlow concept moved the electric car conversation beyond some sort of pernicious threat to petrol power while Aston Martin presented more uncanny clusters of genetic coincidence.

Aston Martin presented the DB9 mkII, sorry, the Virage at the Geneva Motor Show

Alongside the Cygnet -- named not after a baby swan, but the bastardisation of a Toyota iQ -- was the new Virage, a facelifted DB9 in all but name. You can have a listen to all of the highlights of the 2011 Geneva Motor Show in our Gas Station Podisode Geneva Special.

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No sooner had the long-term Ford C-MAX arrived on my doorstep than it was tagged with a GB sticker, Swiss motorway vignette and spotted driving away again. Commandeered by fellow podcaster Alex Goy, the next time I would see ‘my’ car would be outside the Geneva Motor Show.

The video of Alex’s road trip is below where already, the car’s brilliance begins to manifest. The car I’ve specced is a 1.6 Duratorq in Titanium trim, which includes plenty of standard toys including automatic headlamps, hill-start assist, Sony DAB radio, heated front windscreen and Bluetooth. Boom.

Podisode 'mouth' Alex Goy and the Ford C-MAX

On meeting Alex in Geneva, it’s clear that a twelve-hour stint behind the wheel of any car should have been a bigger ordeal than this. During his solitude, he had amassed just two faults: first was the steering wheel being on the wrong side of the cabin for paying toll charges. Sounds lame, but Alex has a dodgy back and arching over passenger seats to grab payage tickets isn’t one of his chiropractor’s daily recommended exercises.

Secondly, Alex’s TomTom sat nav had not been updated to accommodate a couple of new motorways in France.  Now Alex isn’t the sort of person who beats on recalcitrant sat navs, but on this occasion, I am assured he wanted to put his fist through the shitty little screen. Not speccing the Ford C-MAX with integrated sat nav may yet prove to be an oversight I end up regretting.

Once the buzzing carnival of the Geneva Motor Show is out of the way, it will be my first opportunity to get some miles under my belt. Cannot wait.

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Every time another brilliant, snow-covered Monte Carlo Rally marks the opening leg of the 2011 Intercontinental Rally Championships (IRC), I can’t help but lament the passing of Group B.

There’s no denying the breathtaking skill level of the men and women involved in modern day rally, but the way drivers like  Ari Vatanen, Hannu Mikkola and Stig Blomqvist piloted these feral, now sacrosanct machines and gave them an almost balletic grace is pretty difficult to elucidate verbally. So instead, just click ‘PLAY.’

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Nature wasn’t kind to the BMW F800 GS. Symmetry is supposed to be a sign of smooth physiological development, of probable health and fitness thanks to an immune system resistant to parasites that could cause uneven growth. Yet beyond the Gonzo-esque snoot and tricolore war paint, here we are observing one of the biggest lazy eyes in motorcycle history.

The F800 GS may not be a looker, but it's one of the most robust and versatile bikes on the market

OK, it probably has a lot more to do with BMW’s designers but we’re passed finger pointing. I happen to think there’s an industriousness and nontraditional beauty to the F800 GS but regardless, I don’t want to mate Bavaria’s Quasimodo, I want to ride it.

And that’s where the BMW F800 GS excels, both on the road and in the dirt. So what if it doesn’t have the glitzy Charlie Boorman-ator status of the R1200 GS Adventurer? The 85hp 800cc unit, a symmetrical parallel twin, is punchy, beautifully linear in its delivery and more than up to the job.

On/off-road versatility of the BMW F800 GS is tempting my budget away from four wheels onto two

Plus, when you’re not on a six month sabbatical to the Andes (which due to factors like ooh, I don’t know, ‘a job,’ will be NEVER) you’ll actually praise the bike’s lighter weight and narrower profile with those wide enduro bars for making it a synch to manoeuvre through traffic. It’s also considerably cheaper, though sadly not cheap enough. Soooo, would anybody be prepared to lend me £7,650?

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